Mama Firmbottom: Real Talk...

...OR: A neurotic girl’s guide to dating

A couple friends of mine, from time to time, like to regale me with tales from their dating lives. I’m intrigued, impressed, horrified, and saddened, sometimes all at once. I’m often confused, though, because I’ll ask them a question about the person they’re dating, and they won’t know the answer. This type of “he’ll tell me when he wants” or “I guess we’ll talk about it if it comes up” approach doesn’t work for me. I suppose it’s fine if I ask what type of apples he likes best, or what he thinks about reality programming, but I don’t. Call me nosy, but I think if you’re dating someone, you should know the answer to, “Why was he in jail?”, and questions of that ilk. Perhaps it’s because, despite having a blog to inform the world of my opinions and awesomeness, I am quite selective about with whom I share my life. I’ll talk all day to someone I met at a bar, or a co-worker, but we’re not going to be discussing my fears and insecurities, my deepest dreams and desires, or things that trouble me. I’ll likely share that with someone I date, and with people for which I care deeply. So you better believe that before I open myself up completely, I’ll know a lot about that person.

For those of you that don’t share this Who the fuck are you? philosophy, yet are intrigued by what I’m talking about, or those that are interested in learning more, I’ve prepared a list of questions and items I think you should know the answers to, when you’re dating someone. 

Basics: name, age

Education- where did you go to college? If you didn’t go to college- why not? Do you have plans to continue your education? (College isn’t for everyone, true. But if education isn’t a priority, why not? Does he have a special skill that ensures that he’ll always be able to find a job?)

What is your job? How long have you been there? Do you like it or are you looking to move on to something new? (i.e. Can he support himself, and/or does he have any ambition?)

Do you drive? Do you own a car? If not, do you own a bus pass or a bike? (BTW- you’re not a gold-digger if you want to know. It’s not about assessing their cash flow, it’s about finding out if they can move around on their own, or if you’ll be driving them everywhere. Furthermore, this information is very telling. If they don’t drive- why not? Do they not like it, can they not due to a court or DMV-order, or do they have a medical issue? If his license has been revoked because he owes back payments on child support, this may be information you find useful.)

Do you have kids? If so, how many, and borne by whom? What are their ages? Where is the baby’s mother, what is your current relationship with her, and what was your relationship with her when you had the kid? (Ladies, ladies, ladies...I can’t stress how important this information is to have. Scenario: he has a one-year old, and a baby-momma. Why do you care? 1. Who is taking care of this child? Who has custody and who pays for it? If you don’t see how this affects you, you’re not thinking hard enough. 2. Was the baby-momma a past love, or a hook-up? Is he divorced, was he in a long-term relationship, or was he just irresponsible and made a mistake*? This may give you a clue as to how he’ll approach a relationship with you. Is he a serial monogamist (a “jumper” in my book), or a player? This is all good to know. 3. What is his current relationship with the baby’s mother? Is it cordial, is it a bit too cordial, or is it rocky? You need to know if he’ll be hooking up with her when he gets lonely, if they hate one another and she’s psycho and going to blow up your phone when she finds out about you, or if they’ve truly moved on but are still cooperative for the sake of the child.)

Are you single?** Are you divorced? When was your last relationship and why did it end? (If it ended because there was cheating, or abuse, take note. If it ended yesterday, take note. If he’s never had what he’d classify as “a relationship” take note. If he says “I just stopped talking to her and eventually she got the point” take note.)

Have you been to jail, and are you on probation or parole? Why were you in jail, and when is your probation/parole up? (If he’s a murderer: red flag. If it was for drugs- what kind and does he still use? You’ll need to know if he won’t be able to hang out because he’s high and broke or if you can’t cross state line or ever vacation anywhere out of the country. Does he have a predilection towards criminal activity or did he make a stupid mistake? In other words, is there a pattern of poor decision-making, or is he a changed man?)

Do you use drugs? Do you drink? Do you smoke? (It’s up to you to decide how you feel about each of these items. But you should never be three months in with someone before you find out they like to smoke crack occasionally. It could make for some very awkward family BBQs.)

What is your family situation and relationship? (Does he love or hate his family? If he hates them- why? Did he have an abusive father, or is his sister a drug-addict that ruins every family event? How did this affect him?  What their upbringing was like may affect their thoughts on and desires for their own future family.)

This ties into the previous question- Do they want kids?***

At this point I’d like to take the time to clarify that I don’t think it’s necessary to garner all of this information on the first date. Though some would say a first date is an informal interview, first dates are already nerve-racking enough, without having an hours-long serious discussion that this list of questions would entail. However, I think you should know this information before anything gets serious, and I think it’s reasonable to know this sort of stuff while your date count is still in the single digits. You do what you want, obviously, but unless you’re just looking to only have fun, you should probably know pretty soon whether or not this thing has the potential to ever develop into something more substantial. And in order to know that, you have to know about that person. You’re not going to know a person’s full history and heart and soul after a few dates, or even after a few months. It can take a lifetime to fully know that person. But I swear, if I hear another girl say, “I didn’t ask why he was in jail for three years or why his hands were so shaky or his phone kept ringing…but I slept with him”, I’m going to shit myself.****

Also, I don’t point this out because I’m being judgmental, or because these items are deal-breakers. Anyone that knows me personally knows that I’m the last person to write someone off, over pretty much anything. I’ve been told that I have a “high tolerance for bullshit” and that I’m everyone’s personal cheerleader. These were comments from people that love me. And you know what? They’re right. I tend to invest in the potential people have, and focus on their positive qualities, even when their negative qualities (of which I’m also aware) perhaps outweigh them. Maybe that’s why I wouldn’t have any problem talking to a suitor about any of this stuff. I’m not fact finding to “disqualify” you; I’m genuinely trying to learn about you and understand you. In fact, in addition to all of this, I’ll usually discuss thoughts about sexuality, sexual partners and STDs, and probably a host of other things I’m forgetting.

I know that not everyone appreciates this style of direct communication, and it won’t work for everyone. There’s rarely a one-size-fits-all solution to any problem. But, at least in my case, that’s how I communicate and if the person I was dating did not like it, then it’s probable that we wouldn’t get along as a couple anyway. And I’m not saying other approaches are less effective or that my way is best. This is just the type of approach that I use, and questions I’ve found that seem to me to show a lot about a person’s character and circumstances. Please feel free to disregard all you’ve read, if you see fit.






*No doubt a beautiful, precious, sent-from-God-Himself kind of mistake. Okay, “mistake” seems harsh, but I’m aware that “unplanned” pregnancies are quite common and what seemed to be a mistake at the time turned in to the greatest thing in your life! Your baby is beautiful and you are lucky, even if times were tough. I respect that. Please stop yelling at me.


**This should be a no-brainer if you’re on a date, but honestly, you never know. I’ve heard stories, and quite frankly, some people are shady. You shouldn’t date guys that aren’t single. It’s un-neighborly.


***While most of these are open for debate and compromise, this one isn’t. I’m sorry, but if you desperately want children and he’s adamantly against it, that’s a deal breaker. Nobody’s ever successfully “sort of” had children. You can’t go back and forth- you either have kids or you don’t. If you want to adopt but he wants his own, maybe there’s room for discussion. But there’s no middle ground between absolutely YES and absolutely NO for this issue.


****Okay, I haven’t heard this quote exactly. This is what’s known as an “exaggeration” on my part. But seriously, I’ve heard a lot of things that dumbfound me, and all I can do is look down or shake my head. Also, I don’t typically shit myself. Unless it’s a really crazy situation, like they didn’t put extra cheese on my pizza, even though I asked for it and they even repeated it back to me, or like if someone asks me to lower my voice while I’m at the library, or if someone says, “Excuse me?” all sarcastic-like when you ask them a question, even though you just know they heard you and are just being rude to make some sort of “point”. You’ve gotta stop that back talk early, or it just becomes problematic.