The heart wants what the heart wants, I think on this we can all agree. And by “we” I mean “I agree with myself”. Many times people are victims to their lust, and by “victims” a lot of the times I mean “willful, giddy participants”. They engage in physical transactions and slowly realize that beyond their mutual attraction, there is nothing below the surface. I guess that can be sad. But what about intellectual desire? This is my weakness. In the past, I’ve developed very strong, confusing feelings for people, based on our intellectual compatibility. I’ve found kindred, questioning spirits, and felt intense connections with them. At no point did I ever have a (sexually) intimate relationship with any of them, but we did develop what I’ll call an intellectual intimacy. We’d philosophize with one another, share things we’d learned, laugh together, argue, and a mutual respect and admiration grew. Every time, it seems, I unfairly and mistakenly put them on a pedestal. And unfailingly, I’ve been let down. My intellectual mates will come to a crossroad in their life, and have acted hypocritical and/or been dishonest with me. I lose respect; our connection is altered. It’s unfortunate, and worse yet, the fault, I believe, lies with me. I know as humans we all make mistakes, we all have needs and desires, we all are allowed to change. To expect perfection from anyone is unfair and really, just stupid. But this is my imperfection- one of my greatest character flaws. For me to truly care about someone and feel strongly, I must respect them. There is no swifter way to lose my respect than to act dishonestly or to be purposefully misleading. I am always open and honest about everything; if you are not as well, our conversations serve no other purpose than to make me look foolish. Maybe it’s because I am slow to open up to people, or maybe it’s because I am just immature. I don’t know. With time, I accept things, I get over things, I move on. I can’t stay mad or upset at anyone for anything for very long, even when I should. But the relationship has already changed; the connection will never regain its strength. This is because the original strength was based on misconceptions and fantasy. There is no world that exists where people act according only to what I think is right or just. I must remind myself of this, constantly. I believe my task here should be one of unconditional love and acceptance. When more personal thought and feelings get in the way, happiness does not result. My challenge is to find a way to continue to care greatly for people, no matter the betrayal, no matter the changes…a detached love, I guess?
But first I’m going to work on this tan. Who’s going to golden-brown this skin if I don’t? Nobody, that’s who.
