Best Excerpt from a Conversation Yesterday

(while driving w/windows down - watching a lady about to cross the street)

Person A: Is that lady talking to herself?

Person B: Yep

Person A: You know...that might be underrated.  I can be really good fucking company when I want to be! 

A quick bitch and soapbox plug before I update y'all

There are some things that most people already know, but every once in a while, hearing someone else say them makes you feel like you're truly getting it for the first time.  I've heard a lot of this lately, but because this is my blog, I'm going to lay some down in the hopes that they touch any willing ear:

If you treat people like shit, they will not appreciate it.  They may not react in an unlady-like or ungentlemanly fashion, but it's just not neighborly, so maybe just don't do it.  

If you're into kicking people out of your metaphorical life-house, and you shut and lock the door on people you care about, don't bother asking yourself why you feel so alone.  It's because you took deliberate steps to make it so.  If you're guilty of this and the previous item noted above, maybe think about it for a minute.  I'm not saying apologies are in order, but just be honest if this is you, or you've been there, and ask yourself, "What Would Jesus Do?"  I'm betting Jesus Would Stop Being a Douche-Knuckle.  If you want the more Disney version of that story, the moral is to treat others as you would like to be treated.  Which is likely not very douchey. 

If you don't have any idea what's going on in your sister's, your cousin's, or your old best friend's life- you probably haven't put enough effort into finding out.  I don't recommend stalking because that's your prerogative and I try not to give weird advice on public forums, but in this day and age, and with how accessible everyone on earth is, unless your loved ones are living in a shack in the Appalachians, you don't have a good reason for being oblivious.  

If you don't like honesty, don't say you do.  Some people prefer to be talked to and treated gently, and there's really nothing wrong with that.  Other people like things good and blunt.  Both are time-tested methods.  Just know which team you're playing for, and don't hold it against people when you've switched sides or got confused about which side you were on. 

Be grateful for every single day you  have on this earth.  If you're alive, if you're sober, if you have a job (even if your boss is paid 6x as much as you and doesn't know how to adjust their chair or figure out the difference between a computer screen finger-smudge and a broken computer), if you have a roof over your head, if you have family, if you have friends, if you have ANYBODY that gives a shit if you show up tomorrow- be grateful.  I have a cat that may kill me someday because I am so unbelievably allergic to it- but I'm grateful every time that little monster jumps up on to my tummy and purrs because I know that by god- at least HE is happy for a minute that I'm in his life.  Some days that's all you need to feel good.  Be grateful for your life and the people in it that make it special, and show your appreciation, because the smallest gestures can mean so much.  I've never heard someone complain, "Gawd, my friends are TOO good to me, always calling to see how my life is, or to invite me to do things with them".  I've never heard, "I HATE it when my mom tells me she loves me."  

I don't know much, but if you've contemplated giving me an intervention because I was being an asshole - I'm sorry.  I'm learning a lot this year, and I'm trying to learn a lot more, and god willing, I'm going to be a better person.  I'm grateful for my wonderful family, that's always awesome but has shown me exceptional patience and understanding this year.  I'm grateful even when my granny suggests I start Riverdancing to lose weight, because at least in her funny way, she's showing me she cares about my health.  I'm grateful that my sister and I say the same things all the time, because at least I know that as crazy as I am, there are two of us roaming around.  I'm grateful for my friends, especially the ones that invite me into their homes, to spend time with their beautiful families.  It's nice to be around so much love.  I'm grateful for the friends that invite me to lunch just to catch up.  I'm grateful for the ones that talk to me on the phone, that lend an ear and some sense when I can't figure things out.  I'm grateful for the friends that I don't see often but still will text me random things on Halloween.  It's nice to be thought of, even if it's for a split second.  I'm grateful for the forgiveness people show me when I go on passive-aggressive or bitter rants.  Thank you for loving me in spite of my ugly moments, and for seeing our friendship to the other side of that.  Thank you for having faith in me, that I will get over myself and return to being the one you befriended in the first place.  I'm grateful that I have things for which to be grateful.  

Thank you, and stay tuned until next time. 

Fatal Intellectual Attraction

The heart wants what the heart wants, I think on this we can all agree.  And by “we” I mean “I agree with myself”.  Many times people are victims to their lust, and by “victims” a lot of the times I mean “willful, giddy participants”.  They engage in physical transactions and slowly realize that beyond their mutual attraction, there is nothing below the surface.  I guess that can be sad.  But what about intellectual desire?  This is my weakness.  In the past, I’ve developed very strong, confusing feelings for people, based on our intellectual compatibility.  I’ve found kindred, questioning spirits, and felt intense connections with them.  At no point did I ever have a (sexually) intimate relationship with any of them, but we did develop what I’ll call an intellectual intimacy.  We’d philosophize with one another, share things we’d learned, laugh together, argue, and a mutual respect and admiration grew.  Every time, it seems, I unfairly and mistakenly put them on a pedestal.  And unfailingly, I’ve been let down.  My intellectual mates will come to a crossroad in their life, and have acted hypocritical and/or been dishonest with me.  I lose respect; our connection is altered.  It’s unfortunate, and worse yet, the fault, I believe, lies with me.  I know as humans we all make mistakes, we all have needs and desires, we all are allowed to change.  To expect perfection from anyone is unfair and really, just stupid.  But this is my imperfection- one of my greatest character flaws.  For me to truly care about someone and feel strongly, I must respect them.  There is no swifter way to lose my respect than to act dishonestly or to be purposefully misleading.  I am always open and honest about everything; if you are not as well, our conversations serve no other purpose than to make me look foolish.  Maybe it’s because I am slow to open up to people, or maybe it’s because I am just immature.  I don’t know.  With time, I accept things, I get over things, I move on.  I can’t stay mad or upset at anyone for anything for very long, even when I should.  But the relationship has already changed; the connection will never regain its strength.  This is because the original strength was based on misconceptions and fantasy.  There is no world that exists where people act according only to what I think is right or just.  I must remind myself of this, constantly.  I believe my task here should be one of unconditional love and acceptance.  When more personal thought and feelings get in the way, happiness does not result.  My challenge is to find a way to continue to care greatly for people, no matter the betrayal, no matter the changes…a detached love, I guess? 

But first I’m going to work on this tan.  Who’s going to golden-brown this skin if I don’t?  Nobody, that’s who.

Today's distinctions

Two things of interest happened to me so far today. 

First, while getting water from the old work water cooler (alliteration!) I hit my head on said water cooler.  I blame my heels wedges.  Luckily, nobody was around to witness it. 

Not so luckily, the second thing that happened was I earned the distinction of probably being the only person to trip while just standing...in front of a VP at my work.  I didn't fall all the way down, but enough to have to throw both arms akimbo for a moment, before doing the outstretched-arms-palms-out-wide-eyed-"WHOA" stance.  There was nothing to say except, "So that happened."  Awesome.  This particular guy is a real class act, though, and didn't laugh immediately at me or anything, so I have that going for me.  Seriously, what a guy!  I don't know that I could have done the same.  I'll never forget his kindness.

In other non-klutz news, I heard a lyric I really liked today: "I've been living on the memory of a dream I once had...".  It hit home.  I like when songs can do that. 

Further updates as events warrant. 

Sadly, I've become a bitch.

I’m not sure how or when it happened.  I’ve always been strong-willed and independent.  I’ve always believed in being open and honest at all times, and just as much as I don’t like when others pick on people, I even more am frustrated by those that won’t stand up for themselves.  And I’ve always been opinionated. 

And I’m pretty okay with all of that. 

But lately, I’ve been extremely opinionated…about everything.  I’ve become weirdly critical.  It’s like it’s necessary for the world to run the way I think it should, or I find fault with it. 

Maybe I’m just cranky lately.  I have the age-old “This is not what I thought my life would be like by now” complex, perpetuated by sitcoms that led me to believe that when I was in my late twenties, all my friends would also be unmarried and childless, but we’d all be super-attractive, fun-loving, have lots of money, and live across the hall from each other in high-rise apartments in the big city.  Then before we hit our mid-thirties, we’d all fall in love with our male best friends and live happily ever after.  This is the glamorous life I’d envisioned, and looked forward to.  Cut to the present, where unlike me, almost all of my friends are married and some of them are even working on child #3.  We all look about the same as we did when we were younger, plus a few stray starter wrinkles and ever-so-rare grey hairs.  None of us have much money.  We don’t live in a big city, we don’t have high-rise apartments, and we don’t live across the hall from each other.  We still love fun, but now “fun” is something scheduled weeks in advance, for maybe a couple hours.  Gone are every-day get togethers or weekend hang-outs or camping trips or girls-trips.  Birthdays are often celebrated 5-6 weeks after the actual date.  Adult conversations are few and far between, and if with my friends that have children, the conversations are peppered with constant interruptions and heated requests to sit down, stop crying, stop hitting your sister, I’m on the phone, Please give Mommy a minute, do you have to go potty?, and I have to go, she just peed on the floors…

I feel torn between things.  Some days I feel like I want to go travel, see the world, save the world, and always be moving around, trying new things.  Other days I feel like I would like to settle down, get married, buy a house, and start a family.  And you know what?  I’d be happy at either, and I’d be good at either.  I’ve come around to actually believing that, despite my jokes.  But I’m not there yet, for either path, and I can feel it and it drives me a little bit crazy.  I’m in the holding area, the waiting room, in purgatory, in the in-between after you cut your hair short and you’re waiting for it to get long again, in the moments before the gun fires to start the race.  I am restless, impatient, and frustrated.  I guess that explains the bitchy. 

It’s like I’m at the end of a very long line, and I see everyone getting to go on this “Life” ride, and I still have a long way to go before I can join them.  I know I am going to get there, and I have to just wait my turn, and I accept that.  But it still feels shitty some days. 

I know most have probably felt this way at some point, so it’s likely my situation isn’t ground-breaking, complex, fresh or exciting.  I am sure many people think I should stop complaining and grow up.  And you know, I get it.  I annoy myself when I get down.  Who the fuck throws a pity-party for themselves?  Because life’s not perfect and you didn’t get everything you ever wanted?  Really?  No, really? 

Yeah, I recognize these feelings, too. So what we have here is someone that overall is incredibly blessed to have wonderful friends and family and to have been born with a roof over her head, a brain in her head, and a winning smile.  And she is still grumpy.  And she feels guilty about being grumpy. 

So what does she do?  Well, bitch, apparently.  But hey, it’s not like I’m not trying to make improvements.  I realize that overall it’s unhealthy to base my happiness and/or self-worth on others, either their opinions or their lives, and if I’m focusing too much on others, it’s probably because I’m not satisfied with what’s going on in my own.  So I fall back on self-improvement.  Read more books.  Work out.  Plant a garden.  Try to learn an instrument.  Try to learn a language.  With these things, my job, and helping a little with a couple weddings coming up, I’m actually quite busy.  Which believe me, is a good thing.  God only knows how much more neurotic I’d be if I had more time to sit and think. 

But I’ve still got to work on that whole “being critical” thing.  There’s a fighter in me that really needs to calm down, and learn how to shut the fuck up and smile and nod when a friend lets their husband make all the decisions in the house, or another friend makes (what I think to be) poor financial decisions, or another friend decides they want to marry their prison love.  I have to learn to feel happy when my friends tell me they are pregnant…again, or every last person around me gets married and I still explain to people I meet that I’m not married, don’t have kids, and don’t even have pets.  I know my life is good, and most of the time I feel it, too, but I’ve got to power through the times when I’m not really digging it.  I have to channel my own happiness to have acceptance about things I don’t understand or agree with.  Or at the very least, for God’s sake start practicing the whole “if you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all” thing.  I may have opinions about everything from mayonnaise to architecture to politics to assholes to Christina Aguilera’s legs, but if they’re not contributing something positive to the world, I don’t really need to share them. 

Same planet, different worlds.

So I just THIS post on The Sassy Curmudgeon.

And you know what my first thought was?  “Hell yeah!  Alexandria should totally go home!”

Then I skipped to look at the comments to see how many people were feeling me. 

And then I realized that the post was about being pregnant and feeling your baby move. 

So as it turns out I care more about who’s going home next on America’s Next Top Model than I do to hear about someone’s pregnancy. 

Whoa! 

Take it easy folks, don’t string me up just yet.  I’m happy for anyone that is blessed to be with child, and I wish them nothing but the best.  But I am at the point where many of my close friends are on round 3 of babies.  So maybe it’s just that this discussion has lost some of that “new car” smell, whatever the hell that means.  I’m sure when it’s my turn to be knocked up, I’ll be significantly more interested.  Or maybe if someone I am close to gets pregnant for the first time, it will feel different.  Who knows? 

All I know is, Alexandria went home this past week.  And I was pleased.  If you watched the show, you probably would be pleased, too. 

That is all.

Just No

A lot of times when I ask a question, the answer I’ll get is that the person “just knows”.  Most of the time this comes as an answer regarding relationships, though sometimes it’s with regards to other things.  I guess a lot of people have strong intuitions. 

What happens if you never “just know”?  I am kind of a neurotic person- I am constantly analyzing or questioning everything and almost everyone around me.  I’m not paranoid, but I’m not an overly trusting person.  To those that I do trust, I’m an open book.  I don’t make many decisions based on emotion, but I don’t have any less respect for those that do.  I suppose that’s very honest- to react on your emotion, your gut instinct, your first response.  Maybe it’s impulsivity, but maybe it’s also purer.  But where do you draw the line?  When do you trust your heart over your head?  How can anyone know which to trust when big things are on the line?

I’ve always believed that love is illogical- the heart wants what it wants.  I’ll be the first to encourage someone to profess their love, to act on their hearts.  But a profession of love is not the same as the question of whether or not to enter into a relationship or to commit yourself for life- to be married.  Despite what the Beatles said, I don’t think that all you need is love.  I would love to believe that, but I think life intervenes and complicates things constantly.  I fear for the sustainability of relationships not founded on equality- in emotion, intellect, ambition, and financial capability.  Yet I am constantly amazed and filled with awe at the power of love to overcome adversity.  And how could I overlook the many “perfect” relationships that fail left and right? 

*sigh*

I don’t “just know” much of anything, about anything, at any time.  I don’t typically “feel” others’ pain- I understand it.  There’s a difference. 

I wonder how lucky those people that “know”, know they really are?  What a neurotic person wouldn’t pay for some peace of mind…

I guess the only thing anyone can do is just assure themselves that wherever they are, it’s where they’re supposed to be, and whatever may come, will come.  Whatever decision will be made, will be made with the purest of intentions, the cleanest of heart.  Whether it’s the best decision or not, only time will tell.  I guess that’s part of this big adventure called Life.

We don’t know where we’re going.

We don’t know when we’ll get there.

But we’ll know when we’re there. 

My back hurts

I think the title of this post is pretty self-explanatory.  But I'm a sucker for exposition, so I'll continue.  My back hurts in a way I don't know that I've experienced before.  It can be fine but then one of a variety of slight movements will cause so much pain it takes my breath away, and I hunch in that position for a few seconds until I think I can push past the pain to sit straight like a normal person.  I don't think there are any knots that need to be worked out.  Now I'm no doctor but naturally I assume that at some point I dispatched some not quite so cooked chicken and some parasitic and nefarious worm creature has found it's way to nestle into my back muscles, feasting upon my good-feeling nerves and, simultaneously, my will to live.  I'm hoping that beating my back with a meat tenderizer in a stern but pleasant manner will kill it and allow me to return to my relatively pain-free and occasionally happy-go-lucky existence.  In the face of such dire and surprising pain, though, I'll need reinforcements in the form of ibuprofen, preferably at 600-800 milligrams, STAT. 


If a doctor is reading this, call me.  I think it's entirely likely that the worms are burgeoning young alien zygotes, that will soon erupt in a flurry of guts and glory, out of my back, just below and around my shoulder blades.  It sounds gross and if it's avoidable, that would be nice.  Also, I'll need a lawyer.  There's no way I'm paying to put these aliens through college.  I can barely afford cable. 

What a difference a day makes

Something unlikely happened this week: two of my best friends got engaged…within the same week!  And two of my boyfriend’s good friends also got engaged…to each other!  So we had three engagements in one week.  Love is in the air; spring has sprung, y’all.

bling bling, motherfuckers

A little background on the couples: one couple has known each other since high school and has dated on and off since then.  This go-round they’d been together 8 months or so, I think.  One couple has known each other for about 5 or so years and has been dating for close to 4 years.  One couple has known each other for a few years and been dating for 2 months.  None of them have been previously married and none of them have any children.  The age range of all couples was from 23 to, uh…maybe 40?  I really don’t know how old one of them is and I feel bad for not knowing and I think at this point it’s probably just in bad form to ask.  Oops.    

Anyway, what does this mean?  I think it means that love is an unpredictable, wily mistress.  What corner she turns, what path she leads you down, we know not.  Any formulas for success I’ve long since discarded, and any rules about age or time or circumstance are irrelevant.  It appears as though love does not care who you are or what you think.

Some people find love at a play; some people find love in prison.  Some people finally just see something that was there all along.  Love doesn’t care what level of schooling you completed, what your primary occupation is, what car you drive, who your family and friends are or whether you thought you’d found love before or not.  Love doesn’t care if you are a male or a female or what race you are, it doesn’t care how tall you are or if you have nice skin.*  Love doesn’t care if you can spell or are socially awkward or are a social powerhouse or want to save the world or want to sit and watch a lot of television most days.  It doesn’t pay attention to if you like poetry or can tell a good joke or can draw a bitchin’ flute-playing panda or make really sweet mix tapes. 

A couple that you think the most unlikely of pairings will stay together until the day they die.  That “perfect couple” may break up.  It’s all possible; it happens every day.

If there’s a formula for love and marriage, which by the way allegedly go together like a horse and carriage, I couldn’t tell you.  I don’t think it exists.  Maybe, not to sound macabre, it’s like death: when it’s your time, it’s your time.  There’s no point to guessing when or why or how, and more than likely, you can’t alter that course or speed it up or slow it down.  Maybe you had plans to visit Madagascar and single-handedly teach the giant cockroaches to tap to “Singin’ in the Rain” all before you turned 21, but then you met the love of your life at age 18 and settled down and had two kids and now teach kindergarteners how to cut out hand-Turkeys**.  Who can guess that stuff?  It’s crazy! 

I guess love is just awesome- both in the traditional “great” sense of the word and in the more technical “awe-inspiring” sense.  Life is awesome.  You never know what the next minute could bring, or what the difference between your life today and a year or even a few months from now could be.  What twists and turns await, what exciting developments lay dormant, what new characters arrive, we couldn’t possibly know. 

What I do know now, is that this upcoming year is going to be busy, and I look forward to seeing how my wonderful friends play out their special days.  I can’t wait to see how beautiful and happy they look.  Just hearing how happy they sounded when they told me, warmed my heart.  Nothing feels better than really knowing and caring about someone and being able to sense true happiness in them.  I hope this is the beginning of a fantastic new chapter for each of these couples, and I look forward to sharing in their upcoming special moments. 

*Though I’m sure having nice skin can’t hurt.  Keep moisturizing, kids.  And wear sunscreen.  That’s a life lesson.

**Hand-Turkeys: Awesome.  Not in a million years could you convince me otherwise.

It's Good To Have A Plan

No koalas were harmed in the making of this blogpost. Wait- is "blogpost" two words or one? Does it matter since I'm fairly certain "blogpost"/"blog post" is not a real word? Can we make frivolous exceptions now that "LOL" is actually a word? All this, AND MORE! on the next episode of Anastasia Explains It All.

Here's to the Journey

Contradictions

I think everyone is a composite of contradiction.  We all have our desires, our needs, and often times they are confusing. 

Sometimes I feel alien, crazy, and like nobody understands me.  It can be isolating.  Then when someone says they think they’ve figured me out or are figuring me out, I feel indignation.  “F*** you!  You don’t know me!  Oh, like I’m so easy to figure out?  It’s so simple!  You know everything, huh?”  It’s ridiculous. 

I want men to be extremely attracted to me, but I am offended when women are objectified.  I want to be as sexy as a stripper but as classy as a First Lady.  I want people to find me intelligent and articulate, but not boring and nerdy.  I want to be passionate but not crazy, logical and objective but not aloof.  I want to be unique but relatable.  I want to be engaging and care-free with everyone, but have them realize I have feelings.  When I am emotional and upset, I want someone to care, but I am embarrassed if anyone notices.  I want to be funny and fun but not offensive or irresponsible.  I want to be serious but not a kill-joy.  I want my male friends to let me be a no-pressure buddy like one of the guys, but I want them to still think I’m hot.  Even if I can accept that not everyone will like me, I still think it’d be cool if they did.  But then I would worry that it meant I stood for nothing, or that people would find my presence overall inconsequential.  I don’t want to be neurotic but I couldn’t stand the thought of being brainless or vapid.  I want my opinions to be sought after and valued, but I want no responsibility for others’ decisions.  I want to be level-headed, fair and open to compromise but not wishy-washy and prone to be walked over.  I don’t want to need anything or anyone, but I want it all to be there if I want it.  And if I needed it, I wouldn’t want it to make me feel bad about that.  I want to be independent but nurturing.  I want to be a lover who can fight.  I want it all.

Maybe that’s the beautiful complexity of life.  At this microcosmic level it seems so chaotic, but when your view expands, it becomes much simpler.  We’re probably all very much alike.  Maybe we’re all walking beautiful disasters.  (Enter from stage left: all woodland creatures and two representatives from each and every race, ethnicity and religion...On 3 we all join hands and sing "We are the World".  One, Two, - wait, wait!  One, Two, and hold hands on Three?  Or One, Two, Three, THEN we hold hands?  Oh for fuck's sake.  We go One, Two, hold hands on Three, and then sing.  Amateurs.  Ready...ACTION!)

R.I.P. Knut

Farewell, sweet prince...

...we hardly knew ye.

Take these broken wings

Have you ever had this situation, where your friend is crestfallen and in a bad space…and all you can think of to say is, “Wow, that sucks.  Sorry, man,” and then later on think about sending them a link to Mr. Mister’s “Broken Wings”, as if that will make them feel better?  Yeah, that about says it all…

“Take these broken wings

And learn to fly again, learn to live so free

When we hear the voices sing

The book of love will open up and let us in

Take these broken wings”

I can’t be the only one that thinks 80’s music solves most of life’s problems, can I?  I mean, I hear Michael Jackson’s “We are here to change the world” and my whole day turns around.  Maybe I’ve seen Captain EO one too many times but I think that shit is life-changing. 

Oh, well.  I really do hope my friend feels better.  Maybe I’ll draw him a picture.

When my spirit explodes...



...there will apparently be a lot of blue bubbles. 

 
Have you ever had moments where you felt completely free?  Like you had an explosion of peace because you realized that all the limitations you feel, most of the frustrations, don't really exist?  Some days I have incredible moments of revelation where I see that most of the things that bother me in life are inconsequential- not that nothing matters, (I haven't become a Nihilist), just that what can't be changed can simply not be changed and isn't worth worrying about, and the things that I feel hold me back aren't really there.  I can pretty much do anything!  If I want to dress bonkers on the weekend, or speak with an accent, or paint a picture, or go on a bike ride, or travel to Mexico, or write a book or plant a garden...all can be done.  If I don't like my hair color, I can change it.  If I want to travel the world, with just a little planning, it can be done.  Feeling like possibility is limitless is one of the best, most pure, exhilarating feelings ever.  It's like the adrenaline experienced during a roller coaster ride and that "a-ha!" moment when you've solved a mystery or figured out a movie twist before it's revealed, combined.  It's like this giant "It's OKAY" feeling descends, and you kind of just feel like your wrongs are forgiven and Life is a giant present with a big bow, waiting for you to open.  I don't think I'm doing a good job describing it, but I think the best word to encapsulate this feeling is Freedom.  And it rocks. 

Whatever it is, I hope all of you experience it. 

And PS I promise I'm not crazy...yet.



Public Service Announcement

Just in case you were not previously aware, social and communication skills are passé.  No longer is face to face or even phone conversation preferred- it isn’t even necessary.  If you like a girl, text her flirtatious and borderline obscene things until she succumbs to your virility, reads your mind and understands you "like" her, and takes the chance that she may be a passing fling and goes on a date with you.  Success!  If you are hurting inside, post a Myspace or Facebook “woe is me” headline.  Example: “Why won’t anyone listen to me?  I just want to scream!”  Or for the super-personal but vague communication lovers: “My hart (sic) is bleeding and I feel like I want to die.  F*&# Men!”  This will surely alert people to your pain and prompt immediate and personal responses that guarantee you will feel better: “I know!  Some people suck!” or “Girl, I hear ya, men is worthless!  Don’t even worry about them just do your thing they’ll get theirs, amen!”  Success!  If you are mad at a friend, teach them a lesson by “unfriending” them on your social networks.  That will show them!  Don’t talk to them about why you are upset- this will only open the door for a time consuming discussion about what really happened and how it can be amicably resolved.  By one swift click of your mouse, you can show them just how upset you are: you are mad and can no longer be friends.  Of course, this may also open the door to groveling and penance from your friend to be graciously accepted back into your social circle.  In other words, success!

Also something to be aware of: spelling and grammar have lost their importance.  Nobody cares what the difference between a comma and a semi-colon is, or the difference between their, there, and they’re!  Who cares if educated people think you sound like an idiot- they get the point!  They’re just being elitist!

All of these types of messages (and more!) are acceptable: 

“U seen Blck Swn yet?  I liked it alot.”

“Id just assume go to wendys as del taco.”

“Ur off at 10 rt? Wanna hook up?”

“Yo member me? We met 3 wks ago at Seans house n u said I was hot.”

And remember- a picture is worth a thousand words!  Why write something out when you can send a picture that communicates everything?  Don’t write to the girl you met in the bar- send her a picture of you on a jet ski in a pool!  If she doesn’t respond, hit her with a “YO!” text- she’ll have all she needs to understand you.  You’re already well on your way to bliss.  If you thought that girl you met was cute, don’t waste time with words, send her a nude photo!  You’ve made her day! 

Remember, understanding social cues and being able to properly communicate are overrated skills that are wholly unnecessary!  Now, quit wasting time that could be better spent on illegally downloading songs and playing video games and shopping for, like, totally cool stuff! 

This Public Service Announcement was funded by The Idiots That Are Slowly Taking Over the World Because Nobody Calls Them Out On It.

Just stay out of my box

The mail and I have a contentious relationship.  When I am expecting something or looking forward with delight to receiving something, I check every day.  When I am making a stab at being something close to resembling "responsible" and especially if I think I owe people money, I check every day.  You know what I get?  I get junk mail.  Lots and lots of junk mail.  To the people sending me this trash: you are hurting the planet and wasting your time.  Sure, I recycle, but honestly this whole cycle seems like a giant waste of time and effort.  If I wanted information, I would ask.  Don't invade my mailbox with your drivel.  Even when the paper is recycled, (that of which can be, of course) there is at least a small amount of waste, and furthermore, the methods employed to recycle said material have to emit some amount of pollution, so you've still needlessly kicked Mother Nature in the crotch.  Solution: keep it out of my box.  (Not a euphemism.) 

Frustrated by all of this and having no way other options (because I am too lazy to seek them), I become less than religious about checking the mail.  I checked just often enough to not default on the bills I finally received (correction: just enough to not have services shut off, possessions repossessed, etc.), and the few visits were not enough to annoy me.  I still had a small mountain of rubbish to go through to reach the important stuff, but one trip to the recycle bin was better than 30.  The US Postal service laid a very severe blow to my plan, though, and without any consultation of any sort, single-handedly decided to stop delivering any mail to me!  Admittedly, I had scaled back to a once-a-month check.  But still!  I didn't move!  I didn't die!  For fuck's sake.  So now, after getting services restarted and assuring my creditors that no, I had in fact *not* skipped the country, I check more often, and as a result, am disappointed more often.  "Oh," I'll think, "did I get a card or a letter today?!"  No. I received a Penny Saver, advertisements from all of the seven closest grocery stores, and coupons to three "new" pizza places that I've been receiving coupons from for the last two years.  That check that was supposed to be coming my way?  Still missing. 

It's the same way with email.  My work email is a different story, but my personal email I check perhaps once a month, normally.  I do this because my inbox has been repeated violated by the unwanted advances of spam and a million mailing lists I never asked to be on or associated with.  I try to fight back but there are just SO many.  Now, when I get a personal email, I read it and respond long after the timeframe in which it would have made sense.  I look a bit like a jerk. 

I guess my real issue isn't the mail at all.  My issue is with people clouding up the things that are important to me with their barrage of requests that I give them my money or "like" their cause or appreciate the next trend or contact them for...stuff?  Services?  *sigh*  I just wish they'd all stay out of my box. 

Dinner and What I Don't Get

Last night I was forced to make dinner for myself.  I know, ridiculous, right?  Whateves.  I guess eating at home by myself once in a while won't kill me.  Unless I accidentally make my food with expired chicken or salmonella-laced spinach or chlamydia-infested turkey or something.  Then it might kill me, I guess.  Or at least necessitate the use of strong anti- or pro-biotics.  But that's neither here nor there. 

Last night I experimented with food.  Ingredients:

Onions
Tomatoes
Broccolini
Chopped Garlic
Olive Oil

Throw in pan and cook away until it looks like it's about to burn or get soggy.  Add:

Trader Joe's chicken sausage with sundried tomatoes and basil
Fresh Romano Cheese
A tiny bit of Brie Cheese because the Provolone Cheese you thought you could use has succumbed to total mold-idity and you were munching on Brie and Wheat Thins anyway

Put everything on an oven-baked flatbread wrap thingy.  Put baby carrots with Mediterranean Hummus on the side.  Consume.

Result: Deliciousness. 

Perhaps others would not appreciate it, but I sure as hell did.  It perfectly complimented my The Adventures of Pete and Pete, Season Two, Episodes 2-4 dinnermate.  My boyfriend gets scared when I list off ingredients that I think I want to throw together.  This may be because he actually knows how to cook, and he does it very well.  Well, I don't have the training, so sometimes I throw a bunch of stuff against a wall and see what sticks.  I think that's a metaphor, because it certainly isn't literal.  I don't care how hard times have gotten, I won't use the wall for a plate.  I'd likely use my hand first, or perhaps some sort of plastic bag.  In any case, I'd like to think I'd be more resourceful than using the dang wall.  Wait, what was I talking about?

Anyway, we're moving on to "Things I Don't Get".  There are a great many things that are very popular or acclaimed that I simply just don't "get".  This segment could also be entitled "I'm not feelin' it":

Dexter: I know people love this show.  And I get that the plot of the show is original.  I just don't think it's done well.  I've watched 5 or 6 episodes now and I'm done.  I could go on and on about the additional reasons why this is on the list, but I'll spare you.  Just know I'm not a fan.

Twilight: The book series.  I've read three out of four.  I know- I have come this far, I may as well finish the series.  "But the last one is the best one!"  No!  No!  No!  I was hoodwinked for three out of four and I won't make the same mistake frice (twice, thrice, frice).  I simply don't have the patience or energy.  The books do not bring me pleasure.  I think the "protagonist" is annoying and a piss-poor example for little girls everywhere to look up to, let alone mature graduate female students.  I also think the books were poorly written, but kudos to the author for making more money off of these than I'll come close to in three lifetimes.  I can't speak for the movies, because I only saw one.  I can say that I find the actress that plays Bella to be an unfortunate choice.  When I say that, I'm holding my tongue.  Those around me know my feelings about this actress and her "range".  She makes me want to pull my unwashed hair back from my face in emo-angst.  Uhhhhhh...

Rihanna: She's a pretty girl, and I've heard songs where her voice sounds nice.  But you'll have to pardon me if I offend burros world-wide when I say I think she sounds like a donkey.  I don't mean she sounds uneducated or crass- I mean she literally sounds like a braying donkey to me when she sings.  I may have felt differently about her if I didn't hear her on the radio twelve times a day everyday, during the two hours I'm in my car.  But the radio stations have made good on their unspoken promise to shove popular music so far up my ass that I hate it all and suffer from musical constipation.  So kudos to Rihanna for also making a ton of money I'll never know, and for having nice skin.  But I'll pass on her music.

Until next time, take care, kids.  Annie loves you.