Contradictions

I think everyone is a composite of contradiction.  We all have our desires, our needs, and often times they are confusing. 

Sometimes I feel alien, crazy, and like nobody understands me.  It can be isolating.  Then when someone says they think they’ve figured me out or are figuring me out, I feel indignation.  “F*** you!  You don’t know me!  Oh, like I’m so easy to figure out?  It’s so simple!  You know everything, huh?”  It’s ridiculous. 

I want men to be extremely attracted to me, but I am offended when women are objectified.  I want to be as sexy as a stripper but as classy as a First Lady.  I want people to find me intelligent and articulate, but not boring and nerdy.  I want to be passionate but not crazy, logical and objective but not aloof.  I want to be unique but relatable.  I want to be engaging and care-free with everyone, but have them realize I have feelings.  When I am emotional and upset, I want someone to care, but I am embarrassed if anyone notices.  I want to be funny and fun but not offensive or irresponsible.  I want to be serious but not a kill-joy.  I want my male friends to let me be a no-pressure buddy like one of the guys, but I want them to still think I’m hot.  Even if I can accept that not everyone will like me, I still think it’d be cool if they did.  But then I would worry that it meant I stood for nothing, or that people would find my presence overall inconsequential.  I don’t want to be neurotic but I couldn’t stand the thought of being brainless or vapid.  I want my opinions to be sought after and valued, but I want no responsibility for others’ decisions.  I want to be level-headed, fair and open to compromise but not wishy-washy and prone to be walked over.  I don’t want to need anything or anyone, but I want it all to be there if I want it.  And if I needed it, I wouldn’t want it to make me feel bad about that.  I want to be independent but nurturing.  I want to be a lover who can fight.  I want it all.

Maybe that’s the beautiful complexity of life.  At this microcosmic level it seems so chaotic, but when your view expands, it becomes much simpler.  We’re probably all very much alike.  Maybe we’re all walking beautiful disasters.  (Enter from stage left: all woodland creatures and two representatives from each and every race, ethnicity and religion...On 3 we all join hands and sing "We are the World".  One, Two, - wait, wait!  One, Two, and hold hands on Three?  Or One, Two, Three, THEN we hold hands?  Oh for fuck's sake.  We go One, Two, hold hands on Three, and then sing.  Amateurs.  Ready...ACTION!)