I love it!

I love Long Beach.  Love, love, love it.  I love the people on the streets walking around, walking their dogs, riding their bikes, taking a jog.  I love running walk/jogging along the bike path, next to the ocean.  I love the sun on my face, the breeze cooling me down, looking out at the vastness, once I get past those oil barges.  I love sitting on the pier, watching the sun set, soft oranges and yellows glistening on the mild waves.  I love being able to easily walk to the grocery store, the Wal-Mart, the nail place, to any number of restaurants to  get any kind of food I want.  I love that my building looks like an old, glamorous Hollywood hotel, where someone with arm-length gloves and a tiara or something is going to walk out of the elevator at any point.  This would be, of course, when the elevators are working.  I love my balcony- setting up a couple of cheap lawn chairs and playing some gin on a nice day.  I love that my neighbors are all friendly, and a lot of them are young and like saying hi and chatting in the elevator.  I love that I live across from a fancy restaurant, and I get to check out the ridiculously nice cars the valets park out front.  I’m going to have dinner there sometime.  And it’s going to be awesome.  I won’t ask them to park the Civic.

I love that, close as it is, I took a chance and moved somewhere new, away from my family and the only life I’ve known for 30 years.  I’m still extremely close by, but even a little distance makes me feel somehow stronger, more grown up.  Like I might be able to take care of myself, “for real”.  Since I was old enough, I’ve always worked*, and paid for things on my own, and I’ve paid rent and lived on my own before.  But sometimes I don’t feel like an adult.  And somehow, this move helped a little.  Maybe I’m “finding myself”.  Which, quite frankly, is a little embarrassing because how do you lose someone you’re with twenty-four hours a day?  Yet another of life’s mysteries, I guess.



*…with the exception of that glorious 12 months where I was unemployed and decided to pursue awesomeness FULL-TIME.  It really suited me.  I’m grateful for that time.

Personal Reminder

Dos Roads, Homes.

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And it has been awesome, truth be told,
For many a stretch,
But sometimes, ah sometimes,
I look to my friends on the worn road
and wonder, fair ye, what the fuck?
Why have you traveled so easily, so swift?
Why have you passed through with nary a rift?
And my fair friends cry back, with hearts filled with love,
It’s because this road is paved, dumbass!
It is tried and true!
The path you chose was up to you!
We are not going straight up the mountain,
Directions,
Refreshments,
Be damned!
We have not armed ourselves with rocks and sticks,
Striking at overgrown weeds,
Darting amongst wild things!
You chose another path!
And blessed dear friends,
They were right all along,
They chose the wise while I chose the strong,
Why we choose our paths I can’t say,
I just know I had to travel this way.

LET'S DO THIS.

YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG

Do you ever have those days when you feel like you’re doing it wrong?  Life, I mean.  You’re doing life, wrong.  Every decision you’ve made, you’re second guessing.  All your previous relationships and friendships, especially the defunct ones, you have regrets and guilt about.  You feel bad about every misstep, every miscommunication, every argument, and every missed opportunity.  You think about how your life could have been, had you done better.  You are in mourning for a life you have never had. 

Today, I am having one of those days.  I don’t mean to say that I wish I was still with my ex-boyfriend, or I don’t love my current boyfriend, love my life.  This is not a cry for help; I am not writing this from a ledge on a high rise.  I somehow just ended up nursing this anxiety-shame-fear cocktail, and I don’t remember ordering it, and a part of me is wondering why the fuck I am paying for my own drinks in the first place.  Do they know who I am?!  This is bullshit. 

I have to stop myself from calling everyone I wish I could talk to, to “make things right”.  But I can’t do that, because what would it accomplish?  Most of the things I harbor guilt over are slight things- the person I feel…I guess indebted to? sorry to?...would probably either not have a clue what I was talking about, or would think about it and get irritated about it.  Or, I am probably feeling bad about things that I should not feel bad about in the first place. [ß I’m like this a lot.  I forgive faster and easier than I should, and I beat myself up endlessly over the most minute of offenses, perceived or real.  I apologize again and again for events that occurred years ago.  Every mistake I’ve ever made, I carry around with me.  Often it helps me try to be a better person, but many times, it just feels like a suffocating weight.]  Or, even worse, if I try to apologize for what I think was a moment of crazy weakness, the person on the receiving end of that apology may feel like I’m even more crazy for remembering this and thinking of it, and bothering to bring it up so long afterward.  And they would be right!  It is crazy, and I can’t go around calling people out of the blue to relieve my conscience.  I have to accept that I said things I said, I did things I did, I acted in a way that was unlike who I try very hard to be, and certain people may not want me to be a part of their lives.  Those are difficult things to accept.

The problem is, life is not perfect, and neither am I, and that bugs the ever-living shit out of me.  I don’t mean I have to be a size 4, 5’9 humanitarian bombshell working on her advance degree at Harvard-perfect.  I just mean, I’m not even the perfect version of myself.  I can be so self-absorbed sometimes, and I hate it.  Even this writing, right now, is self-absorbed!  Holy shit, I CANNOT ESCAPE ME!  I find me...annoying.*

This is why I should never be left alone or bored for too long.  My brain is not my friend, after all the pleasantries are exchanged, and we tire of talking of the weather and what our weekend plans are. 


*Shout out to anyone who knows what movie this is stolen from.  Hint- it's got Sandra Bullock and Hugh Grant and is one of the most charming, adorable movies ever.  It rhymes with "Shew Sheeks Glotice".  If you don't get it now, you're just not trying hard enough.  Do more.  Seriously, do more.