Do you ever have those
days when you feel like you’re doing it wrong?
Life, I mean. You’re doing life,
wrong. Every decision you’ve made,
you’re second guessing. All your
previous relationships and friendships, especially the defunct ones, you have
regrets and guilt about. You feel bad
about every misstep, every miscommunication, every argument, and every missed
opportunity. You think about how your
life could have been, had you done better.
You are in mourning for a life you have never had.
Today, I am having one of those days. I don’t mean to say that I wish I was still with my ex-boyfriend, or I don’t love my current boyfriend, love my life. This is not a cry for help; I am not writing this from a ledge on a high rise. I somehow just ended up nursing this anxiety-shame-fear cocktail, and I don’t remember ordering it, and a part of me is wondering why the fuck I am paying for my own drinks in the first place. Do they know who I am?! This is bullshit.
I have to stop myself from calling everyone I wish I could talk to, to “make things right”. But I can’t do that, because what would it accomplish? Most of the things I harbor guilt over are slight things- the person I feel…I guess indebted to? sorry to?...would probably either not have a clue what I was talking about, or would think about it and get irritated about it. Or, I am probably feeling bad about things that I should not feel bad about in the first place. [ß I’m like this a lot. I forgive faster and easier than I should, and I beat myself up endlessly over the most minute of offenses, perceived or real. I apologize again and again for events that occurred years ago. Every mistake I’ve ever made, I carry around with me. Often it helps me try to be a better person, but many times, it just feels like a suffocating weight.] Or, even worse, if I try to apologize for what I think was a moment of crazy weakness, the person on the receiving end of that apology may feel like I’m even more crazy for remembering this and thinking of it, and bothering to bring it up so long afterward. And they would be right! It is crazy, and I can’t go around calling people out of the blue to relieve my conscience. I have to accept that I said things I said, I did things I did, I acted in a way that was unlike who I try very hard to be, and certain people may not want me to be a part of their lives. Those are difficult things to accept.
The problem is, life is not perfect, and neither am I, and that bugs the ever-living shit out of me. I don’t mean I have to be a size 4, 5’9 humanitarian bombshell working on her advance degree at Harvard-perfect. I just mean, I’m not even the perfect version of myself. I can be so self-absorbed sometimes, and I hate it. Even this writing, right now, is self-absorbed! Holy shit, I CANNOT ESCAPE ME! I find me...annoying.*
This is why I should never be left alone or bored for too long. My brain is not my friend, after all the pleasantries are exchanged, and we tire of talking of the weather and what our weekend plans are.
*Shout out to anyone who knows what movie this is stolen from. Hint- it's got Sandra Bullock and Hugh Grant and is one of the most charming, adorable movies ever. It rhymes with "Shew Sheeks Glotice". If you don't get it now, you're just not trying hard enough. Do more. Seriously, do more.
Today, I am having one of those days. I don’t mean to say that I wish I was still with my ex-boyfriend, or I don’t love my current boyfriend, love my life. This is not a cry for help; I am not writing this from a ledge on a high rise. I somehow just ended up nursing this anxiety-shame-fear cocktail, and I don’t remember ordering it, and a part of me is wondering why the fuck I am paying for my own drinks in the first place. Do they know who I am?! This is bullshit.
I have to stop myself from calling everyone I wish I could talk to, to “make things right”. But I can’t do that, because what would it accomplish? Most of the things I harbor guilt over are slight things- the person I feel…I guess indebted to? sorry to?...would probably either not have a clue what I was talking about, or would think about it and get irritated about it. Or, I am probably feeling bad about things that I should not feel bad about in the first place. [ß I’m like this a lot. I forgive faster and easier than I should, and I beat myself up endlessly over the most minute of offenses, perceived or real. I apologize again and again for events that occurred years ago. Every mistake I’ve ever made, I carry around with me. Often it helps me try to be a better person, but many times, it just feels like a suffocating weight.] Or, even worse, if I try to apologize for what I think was a moment of crazy weakness, the person on the receiving end of that apology may feel like I’m even more crazy for remembering this and thinking of it, and bothering to bring it up so long afterward. And they would be right! It is crazy, and I can’t go around calling people out of the blue to relieve my conscience. I have to accept that I said things I said, I did things I did, I acted in a way that was unlike who I try very hard to be, and certain people may not want me to be a part of their lives. Those are difficult things to accept.
The problem is, life is not perfect, and neither am I, and that bugs the ever-living shit out of me. I don’t mean I have to be a size 4, 5’9 humanitarian bombshell working on her advance degree at Harvard-perfect. I just mean, I’m not even the perfect version of myself. I can be so self-absorbed sometimes, and I hate it. Even this writing, right now, is self-absorbed! Holy shit, I CANNOT ESCAPE ME! I find me...annoying.*
This is why I should never be left alone or bored for too long. My brain is not my friend, after all the pleasantries are exchanged, and we tire of talking of the weather and what our weekend plans are.
*Shout out to anyone who knows what movie this is stolen from. Hint- it's got Sandra Bullock and Hugh Grant and is one of the most charming, adorable movies ever. It rhymes with "Shew Sheeks Glotice". If you don't get it now, you're just not trying hard enough. Do more. Seriously, do more.
