I saw "Salt" this weekend, and it made me happy because I’d been looking forward to seeing this for quite some time. Also, I enjoyed saying, “Would you like to see ‘Salt’?”, because it made me giggle because it made me think of sea salt which is completely different.
Insert tangent here: I’m a big believer in finding new ways to amuse myself, every single day. Some days it really doesn’t take much. For example, one day last week I said “ahhhh” in a very refreshed manner every time I sipped a drink. I don’t know why I found this hilarious. Additional example: we have a new “acting president” where I work. He seems to be very polite, but has upon occasion exhibited traits consistent with that of a germophobe (or “mysophobe” in the scientific crowd*). It has taken overwhelming strength to not go into the conference room he’s converted to a temporary office and touch everything. Not lasciviously, mind you; I just want to touch his chair, his phone, his computer, his desk. Just thinking about touching his mouse*** and then watching him work at his computer makes me snicker. I haven’t done it yet, because a part of me thinks it’s a little bit cruel, but the other part of me mostly thinks it’s funny because my hands are clean and it would affect nothing because he’d never know. These two sides continue to duke it out and are currently at a stalemate.
Resume original tale here: “Salt” was pretty entertaining. I didn’t know until the end if Salt was a good guy or bad guy (yes, I know she’s a girl but I tend to not get caught up in gender specific pronouns as a matter of principle), and really the only issue I took with the whole film was that Angelina Jolie (henceforth referred to as “AJ”) was so skinny her ass-kicking-ability seemed wholly unbelievable. I mean, honest to god, I have trouble believing she can carry her own groceries let alone take down grown men in a battle of the physical nature. That being said, I still think she’s got a beautiful face and is a great actress.**** I think the reason AJ is so alluring in the roles she consistently plays is because she’s the embodiment of every woman’s dreams*****. She’s beautiful, she’s smart and witty, she’s good hearted, she’s able to protect herself and the people she cares for and fight for what she believes in, and men find her irresistible. Also, she kicks ass, shoots guns, rides motorcycles, and flies planes. I’m not gonna lie- I can handle my 2004 Mustang.****** But I would think twice about knocking some guy off a motorcycle and going full throttle on it, all whilst evading capture by a team of CIA agents. AJ would not, because she doesn’t let things like fear and gravity deter her. She’s like a female James Bond. I want to be her, but without that whole cutting and drugs and Billy Bob Thorton stage. I want to survive a car accident unscathed, save the President, get hit on by three men who because I am in a relationship I’d not indulge, pay off my credit cards, rock a fabulous hairstyle, and make dinner for my boyfriend, all in one day. In short, I want to be Anastasia Firmbottom: Bad-ass Woman Extraordinaire.
*scientific crowd= Ooooh, look at me, I went to “college” and/or can operate a medical/psychological dictionary or look up words on the “information highway” also known as the “internet” in computer savvy circles.**
**I went to college. I can also look up words in the dictionary and use the internet. I’m practically a superhero.
***Not a metaphor.
****I already talked about how great she is, blah blah, blah, but does anyone else want to see her in a role a little more light-hearted? I know she’s got great range, but she always plays the intense “where’s my mind and/or child?!” or “watch me beat bad guys and shoot guns because I rule!” roles. Can we see a romantic comedy? Don’t keep proving your acting chops, just entertain me for once. I don’t need Oscar worthy roles or blow up movies all the time. Make me laugh for a change. Clearly, it’s not difficult to accomplish.
*****Not so much every woman’s dreams as much as *my* dreams. I’m prone to hyperbolic statements. It is my gift; it is my curse.
******Seriously, I own that bitch. I can merge in and out of traffic like it’s nobody’s business and when the radio turns up instead of down when it’s supposed to, I’m like “What? Oh, you think I’m defeated? Well, I’m not because I know if I press mute I can just turn you up from silent. How do you like me now?” We’re not even going to get into how I deactivated the seatbelt alarm when it went haywire, but it was handled.
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