The day David Beckham and I became BFFs

Besides the obvious (winning a billion dollars, having my head transplanted onto Adriana Lima’s body…wait, maybe I’ll take her face, too…, being voted Super Smartest Girl in all the Land, curing all the diseases humans battle*, or single-handedly bringing about world peace), these are some things that could happen today that would make this day way better:

-The quiet, serious upper-management fellow that’s been hanging out at my work lately could spontaneously burst into song and dance.  He could skip around the office, wrangling people from their seats while he danced his heart out, a la Christopher Walken in that Fat Boy Slim video.  I would lie down on the floor and just bask in the awesomeness of it all.  Afterwards, he’d look around confused, because as it turns out he’d blacked out prior to his outburst and had never danced before.  We’d all look at one another with that, “What the hell?” wide-eyed look and return to our desks, never to speak of it again.  But every once in a while, when a song from a passing car blared a little loudly, we’d look at one another, and just nod our heads as if to say, “We all know what happened here.  And it was good.”

-I could go to lunch and after I placed my order, there would be sirens and balloons and they’d yell “You’re our 89 millionth customer and we’re giving you and your family free food for life!” and then David Beckham would come out in shirtless glory and hand me my free-food-for-life card and kiss my cheek and we’d take a picture for the paper.  Then he’d ask to join me for lunch, and I’d say, “Sure I have a table over there,” and he’d say, “Yeah, that’s cool, or we can get this to-go and fly around for the next hour in my private jet”, and I’d say, “That’s cool, too.  They both sound fun; you pick.”  Then he’d say, “Let’s do the private jet one, because the bathrooms are cleaner and plus, I have to return this DVD or I’ll get a late fee,” and I’d be all “Sounds good, Becks.”  Then we’d fly around for an hour or so before he dropped me back off at work.  Afterwards, we’d “Friend” each other on Facebook and he’d comment on the picture I posted of me and him after I won the prize, and he’d comment, “OMG, why didn’t you tell me I had toilet paper on my shoe??” and I’d reply, “I didn’t notice the toilet paper because I was too busy noticing that you’re David Beckham. haha!”  Then we’d be BFFs and every year he’d send me a cheese basket for Christmas. 

Soccer balls and flash cameras are hard to draw.

-My boss would invite me out for Happy Hour after work, and by “after work” I mean three hours before my shift was over, so essentially I’d be paid to party.  Then, as we were walking into the bar, a bunch of people would shout, “SURPRISE!” and they’d give me a Medal of Honor for Awesomeness and appoint me Champion Queen of Everything.  I’d ask how they had the authority to appoint people to these positions, but they’d knowingly shush me and remind me that the first step in being able to love another person is being able to accept love.  I wouldn’t know what in the world they meant by that, so I’d just squint my eyes like I understood, and say that my first order of business was a round of drinks for everyone!  Then I’d tell everyone, “Alright people, let’s get down to brass tacks”, because I’ve never used that expression before, and the time feels as good as any to start throwing around old, smart-sounding sayings.  Then, everyone would hoist me up on their shoulders and march around the bar, all while chanting, “All hail Queen Firmbottom!” and I would think to myself, “I hope nobody drops me because these people all look a little bit uncoordinated” and also, “Wait, did I ask Mini-Bottom to record ANTM this week?  Because if not I’m going to be lost next week.” 

*Wait, perhaps that's not such a great idea, since it won't allow natural selection to work and then we'll overpopulate and kill the planet ahead of time and God would be pissed.  Not like "No, you can't have the last cookie" pissed, but like "Oh, I'm so not talking to you for like a month" pissed.  Maybe I'll just cure all the super bad diseases.