You know the type. You’ve gone into the restroom to see a man
about a horse, and it appears empty.
THANK GOD. [The only thing more
nerve-racking than trying to use public facilities is trying to use them when
someone is sitting right next door, breathing, grunting, maybe talking on the
phone. I HAVE THINGS TO DO WHICH REQUIRE
PRIVACY. I like, if at all possible, for
this to be “alone time”. This is my preference
for any time I use the restroom, onsies or twosies, but it’s a requirement for
twosies.* Don’t get me started on those
who go to the bathroom with the door open, or in front of their significant
others. ARE YOU HIGH?!] Anyway, you’ve happily settled down to begin
your task at hand- maybe you’re even halfway through – when you hear a faint
noise. It’s the slight movement, the
subtle rustling of the creepy pooper.
This person has been silent the whole time, pretending not to be there-
a ghost. But they’ve shown their hand
with their quiet exhalation, their slight repositioning of their foot. You are
not alone. You initially were lulled
into a false sense of confidence of your solitude, but nay! They have pooped on your parade.
Now, the battle ensues – who will be the victor? You, or CP? The risk of exiting simultaneously and having an awkward encounter with your nemesis while you both silently wash your hands is too great. You’ll both know, of the other: it was you. No way- not on my watch, motherfucker. You have a gamble – hurry up and finish (if you even can now, for God’s sake) before CP exits the stall to wash their hands, or wait it out. Only one can win this game. How long will it be? There is only one answer: too long. CP needs to vaminos- they’ve already been in there long enough for you to not notice their presence when you performed your facility pre-inspection. They are already on borrowed time. GTFO, McPooper! I don’t have time for these shenanigans- we are at work. I have work to do. I didn’t sign on for this little game. Your allotted time in this restroom has expired. If you want to nap, go to your car or crawl under your desk. YOU ARE MAKING ME INSANE.
I honestly don’t know what I’ll do if this tomfoolery persists.
*You’re probably thinking, ”Why not hold it? I haven’t gone twosies in a public restroom since 1992.” Well, congratufuckinglations on your asshole being tighter than a Chinese finger-trap. I’m a little jealous that you can plan things so well, because unfortunately, when I have to go, I have to go. I prefer the sanctuary of my own abode, of course, but when nature calls, I pick up the gawddamn phone.
Now, the battle ensues – who will be the victor? You, or CP? The risk of exiting simultaneously and having an awkward encounter with your nemesis while you both silently wash your hands is too great. You’ll both know, of the other: it was you. No way- not on my watch, motherfucker. You have a gamble – hurry up and finish (if you even can now, for God’s sake) before CP exits the stall to wash their hands, or wait it out. Only one can win this game. How long will it be? There is only one answer: too long. CP needs to vaminos- they’ve already been in there long enough for you to not notice their presence when you performed your facility pre-inspection. They are already on borrowed time. GTFO, McPooper! I don’t have time for these shenanigans- we are at work. I have work to do. I didn’t sign on for this little game. Your allotted time in this restroom has expired. If you want to nap, go to your car or crawl under your desk. YOU ARE MAKING ME INSANE.
I honestly don’t know what I’ll do if this tomfoolery persists.
*You’re probably thinking, ”Why not hold it? I haven’t gone twosies in a public restroom since 1992.” Well, congratufuckinglations on your asshole being tighter than a Chinese finger-trap. I’m a little jealous that you can plan things so well, because unfortunately, when I have to go, I have to go. I prefer the sanctuary of my own abode, of course, but when nature calls, I pick up the gawddamn phone.
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