“Do you ever wonder how someone could even like you?” – Knocked Up
I wonder this all. the. time. Well, half the time. See, half the time I’m convinced I’m awesome and wonder how anyone could not like me. I don’t recall if it was Mini-Bottom or Sweet B, but they nailed it with, “We’re fuckin’ awesome. How come we don’t have more friends?” I’m smart, nice, easy to get along with, have a good sense of humor, have a good job, and looks-wise have never even on one occasion scared a small child. I’m doing alright. Some may even call me a catch. On good days, I accept this, and I feel good about it.
Other days, I wonder how anyone could ever like me. I like cheese and ice cream too much to ever look like a model. I can be needy. I can be jealous. I wonder if I’ll ever accomplish anything truly noteworthy. I wonder if I’ll ever “grow up”. I know my man loves me, but I wonder if he’ll ever love me enough to marry me. I wonder if anyone could ever believe in me enough to take a big chance on me. I wonder if someone could ever want it bad enough and trust me enough to say “fuck everything else, I want a life with you. All of it – the marriage, the house, the kids.” I wonder why these things seem to come naturally to other people. They grow up, they find someone, they get married, and live happily ever after. Or they grow up, get a great job, get rich, and have an awesome house and take awesome vacations. Or they grow up, throw a middle finger to the establishment, and travel the world, alternating between camels and bicycles to do so.
I realize people shouldn’t go through life trying to prove themselves worthy. I know to be a healthy person capable of giving and receiving love you have to love yourself and truly believe you are worth loving. You see, I’m a logical person. My practicality is both a gift and a curse. But at times, it’s altogether absent or may as well be, because while I can rationally accept these things, emotionally I struggle. How exactly do you like yourself more? Will accepting myself be the magical key, and once I unlock this, everything will fall into place? I hope so, because at the risk of sounding self-absorbed, entitled, or whiny, I really do want to just feel at peace with everything. I want to feel like I’m where I’m supposed to be, that I have good things in store for me, and I want to feel happy. I don’t just want to be amused, I don’t just want to have fun; I want to be truly happy.
And make it snappy!
I'll elaborate later but you will get there, my friend. I know you will. How do I know? Well, you're just fuckin' awesome. That's why. (Wink)
ReplyDeleteTina, you know you've hit a low point in the "dating scene" when your mother tells you that she is going to get you a husband for Christmas - But thats besides the point! I don't remember who said it either, but its ture. We are AMAZING...we're so cool we should have a waiting list to be our friend - I'm just sayin! I don't believe there are any magical keys to happiness (well at least I haven't found any at the bottom of an ice cream bin) but it will happen my friend. Look at me, my life is really boring and my mother is trying to set me up with a KoC and swearing up and down that there will be a man under the Christmas tree for me (HEY-OH!) and I am always surrounded by children - other peoples children no less - and I have to say that in the end I've found peace with it all. I think it'll happen before you know and then one day you'll look back and wish you'd hung out with me more. Alright, enough from me...I LOVE YOU - Chin up - you are a catch ;)
ReplyDeleteI agree with the "you're fucking awesome" comments - I've seen it in action. Also, I felt the same way - why can't life just be easy-breezy and perfect the way it seems to be for others but, apparently, our paths weren't meant to be easy - which I think makes us better people in the long-run. And by better people I mean Fucking Awesome People!
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