I think the title of this post is pretty self-explanatory. But I'm a sucker for exposition, so I'll continue. My back hurts in a way I don't know that I've experienced before. It can be fine but then one of a variety of slight movements will cause so much pain it takes my breath away, and I hunch in that position for a few seconds until I think I can push past the pain to sit straight like a normal person. I don't think there are any knots that need to be worked out. Now I'm no doctor but naturally I assume that at some point I dispatched some not quite so cooked chicken and some parasitic and nefarious worm creature has found it's way to nestle into my back muscles, feasting upon my good-feeling nerves and, simultaneously, my will to live. I'm hoping that beating my back with a meat tenderizer in a stern but pleasant manner will kill it and allow me to return to my relatively pain-free and occasionally happy-go-lucky existence. In the face of such dire and surprising pain, though, I'll need reinforcements in the form of ibuprofen, preferably at 600-800 milligrams, STAT.
If a doctor is reading this, call me. I think it's entirely likely that the worms are burgeoning young alien zygotes, that will soon erupt in a flurry of guts and glory, out of my back, just below and around my shoulder blades. It sounds gross and if it's avoidable, that would be nice. Also, I'll need a lawyer. There's no way I'm paying to put these aliens through college. I can barely afford cable.
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