My life is like one big invitation for the rest of the world to be jealous

In the past few days, I:

Walked a 5K “Heart Walk” in honor of a loved one.  I’m not trying to brag, but I jogged for a good minute or two during the whole thing.  There was some 90 year old woman that kept trying to breeze past me and the mothers with their strollers, but I wasn’t about to let her or the blind people walking ahead of me, win.  So I told my sister that while I respected this lady’s obvious commitment to be up in the gym working on her fitness, I wouldn’t even let Betty White school me like that.  Anyone that knows me knows that statement was a reflection of the seriousness of the matter at hand.  I love me some Golden Girls.  So I, motivated by my cousin’s “Rocky” instrumental rendition, gave a solid half-sprint ahead of that lot and finished in a very fairly respectable amount of time. 



This is what it might have looked like if I ran instead of walked.

 My sis and I ran some errands, and in the car-ride between errands, did some fist-pumping to be reckoned with.  We didn’t do this as an ode to the “Jersey Shore” people, because I’ve never seen that show, but my gut tells me they’re ass-monkeys anyway, so no big loss.  We did this because we wanted to entertain the people around us, at the stop lights.  It was fun.  We enthusiastically fist-pumped until we could pump no more, and broke out into fits of laughter.  The best part was seeing the people staring and/or laughing at us.  I don’t really mind people laughing at me, as long as it’s not when I’m competing in a spelling bee or wearing a bathing suit or reciting my wedding vows or giving my alibi for last Thursday night.  I was at home, eating cheese.

Mini-Bottom and I also went to a hip-hop show, after my mom’s pleadings to remain safe and be cautious.  My mom often forgets that a) I’m a very adaptive person, 2) everyone likes me* and Grey) I am a survivor.  Don’t let the winter-coat physique fool you- if shit goes down, this Firmbottom is out.  I will not get caught in a ruckus.  I have a lot of living left to do, and it’s not just so I can grace the world with awesome alliterations.  I have plans.  As such, I keep my nose clean.**  In any case, we had a fantastic time, though we left early because as awesome as he is, we’d already seen Ice Cube, previously.  Fun fact: when we told her about the concert, my Granny said, “Yes, I’ve heard of Ice Box.”  Honestly, I defy anyone to not love old people. 


Imagine a lot more smoke in the air, and you're getting closer.

I got a pedicure.  I went to the cheap place with the really nice Vietnamese women that always say, “Than yoo, Lay-dee!” when I leave.  I usually prefer my nails to be painted one solid color, usually red, because I’m sexy like that.  But it always pains me to request this, because these women always offer to paint designs for free.  It’s not simply a matter of saying, “no”, mind you.  I’m pretty sure based on their huge eyes and quivering lips that painting designs is the highlight of their nail-painting days.  I’ve said no several times and each time I felt like I had just kicked their puppy in the face or told them that professional wrestling was fake.  I always feel bad, so this time I just acquiesced and let them design something for my big toes, or as I like to call them, the HMFTIC.***  Well,  they were given an inch yet took a mile and a half.  So now I’m walking around with a representative visual equivalent of the 4^th of July, Love, Freedom, and Happiness and Buddha on my toes.****  Another fun fact: the woman painting my toes had the same name as me.  Who’d have thought that there’s a Vietnamese Anastasia Firmbottom?  Weird!

*Unless they’re an asshole, n’est-ce pas?

**Not a cocaine or shit reference, though I guess that may be how that expression started?  I just mean I stay out of trouble.  Wait, now it sounds like I endorse doing cocaine and sniffing shit.  I condone neither of those things. 

***Head Mother F***ing Toes In Charge. 

****I may be exaggerating that part a little bit.  And is “representative visual equivalent” redundant?  I’m so distracted by my toes I can’t even be pressed to find out.