Dear You:

I’m sure you have a good heart. You do charitable things from time to time, you genuinely seem to care about certain people, and you have an evident quest for some brand of “justice”. You can be helpful, fun, and supportive.


However…


You are so loud. Even when you’re not excited and yelling or raising your voice, you are loud. You probably don’t know the extent of it, but I hear half of the conversations I’m not carrying on with you, and I’m not even trying to listen. I’ll freely admit when I’m eavesdropping, but quite frankly, I’m trying to block you out, yet you are the victor in this battle. How in god’s name do you not annoy yourself, when you are so very loud?


Also, you seem angry. Seriously, who shit in your cereal? I know everyone has problems and issues and people handle that differently. Perhaps you are emotionally exhausted because of a home issue or you were raised in a household that was always fighting. I’m sorry if these things trouble you; if I could send you peace, if I had something to spare, I would.


Can we talk about me for a second though? When you constantly raise your voice and stomp around and slam things, it makes me uncomfortable. It makes things awkward. You react so strongly to any perceived slight from anyone else, yet you are so abrasive. Sometimes it’s unbelievable. Because of you I can understand why tranquilizers are prescribed at times. Also, when you are angry or sad and upset and begin crying, I feel bad for you. My natural desire to reassure people that it will be okay comes out, but sometimes underneath my desire to see you happy is the more pressing desire to just experience peace and quiet. I know, it is selfish. But the negative energy you pollute the air with feels oppressive sometimes. I know it’s bad, but some days, I don’t like you. Though you’re typically nice to me, you say demeaning things about others, and seem to feel as though everyone in the world has a personal vendetta against you. I find you exhausting.  I like you enough many days, feel neutral most days, but today, I look forward to not being in your presence. Seriously, I just want to nap.


Love,


The Firmbottom'd one

Mama Firmbottom: Real Talk...

...OR: A neurotic girl’s guide to dating

A couple friends of mine, from time to time, like to regale me with tales from their dating lives. I’m intrigued, impressed, horrified, and saddened, sometimes all at once. I’m often confused, though, because I’ll ask them a question about the person they’re dating, and they won’t know the answer. This type of “he’ll tell me when he wants” or “I guess we’ll talk about it if it comes up” approach doesn’t work for me. I suppose it’s fine if I ask what type of apples he likes best, or what he thinks about reality programming, but I don’t. Call me nosy, but I think if you’re dating someone, you should know the answer to, “Why was he in jail?”, and questions of that ilk. Perhaps it’s because, despite having a blog to inform the world of my opinions and awesomeness, I am quite selective about with whom I share my life. I’ll talk all day to someone I met at a bar, or a co-worker, but we’re not going to be discussing my fears and insecurities, my deepest dreams and desires, or things that trouble me. I’ll likely share that with someone I date, and with people for which I care deeply. So you better believe that before I open myself up completely, I’ll know a lot about that person.

For those of you that don’t share this Who the fuck are you? philosophy, yet are intrigued by what I’m talking about, or those that are interested in learning more, I’ve prepared a list of questions and items I think you should know the answers to, when you’re dating someone. 

Basics: name, age

Education- where did you go to college? If you didn’t go to college- why not? Do you have plans to continue your education? (College isn’t for everyone, true. But if education isn’t a priority, why not? Does he have a special skill that ensures that he’ll always be able to find a job?)

What is your job? How long have you been there? Do you like it or are you looking to move on to something new? (i.e. Can he support himself, and/or does he have any ambition?)

Do you drive? Do you own a car? If not, do you own a bus pass or a bike? (BTW- you’re not a gold-digger if you want to know. It’s not about assessing their cash flow, it’s about finding out if they can move around on their own, or if you’ll be driving them everywhere. Furthermore, this information is very telling. If they don’t drive- why not? Do they not like it, can they not due to a court or DMV-order, or do they have a medical issue? If his license has been revoked because he owes back payments on child support, this may be information you find useful.)

Do you have kids? If so, how many, and borne by whom? What are their ages? Where is the baby’s mother, what is your current relationship with her, and what was your relationship with her when you had the kid? (Ladies, ladies, ladies...I can’t stress how important this information is to have. Scenario: he has a one-year old, and a baby-momma. Why do you care? 1. Who is taking care of this child? Who has custody and who pays for it? If you don’t see how this affects you, you’re not thinking hard enough. 2. Was the baby-momma a past love, or a hook-up? Is he divorced, was he in a long-term relationship, or was he just irresponsible and made a mistake*? This may give you a clue as to how he’ll approach a relationship with you. Is he a serial monogamist (a “jumper” in my book), or a player? This is all good to know. 3. What is his current relationship with the baby’s mother? Is it cordial, is it a bit too cordial, or is it rocky? You need to know if he’ll be hooking up with her when he gets lonely, if they hate one another and she’s psycho and going to blow up your phone when she finds out about you, or if they’ve truly moved on but are still cooperative for the sake of the child.)

Are you single?** Are you divorced? When was your last relationship and why did it end? (If it ended because there was cheating, or abuse, take note. If it ended yesterday, take note. If he’s never had what he’d classify as “a relationship” take note. If he says “I just stopped talking to her and eventually she got the point” take note.)

Have you been to jail, and are you on probation or parole? Why were you in jail, and when is your probation/parole up? (If he’s a murderer: red flag. If it was for drugs- what kind and does he still use? You’ll need to know if he won’t be able to hang out because he’s high and broke or if you can’t cross state line or ever vacation anywhere out of the country. Does he have a predilection towards criminal activity or did he make a stupid mistake? In other words, is there a pattern of poor decision-making, or is he a changed man?)

Do you use drugs? Do you drink? Do you smoke? (It’s up to you to decide how you feel about each of these items. But you should never be three months in with someone before you find out they like to smoke crack occasionally. It could make for some very awkward family BBQs.)

What is your family situation and relationship? (Does he love or hate his family? If he hates them- why? Did he have an abusive father, or is his sister a drug-addict that ruins every family event? How did this affect him?  What their upbringing was like may affect their thoughts on and desires for their own future family.)

This ties into the previous question- Do they want kids?***

At this point I’d like to take the time to clarify that I don’t think it’s necessary to garner all of this information on the first date. Though some would say a first date is an informal interview, first dates are already nerve-racking enough, without having an hours-long serious discussion that this list of questions would entail. However, I think you should know this information before anything gets serious, and I think it’s reasonable to know this sort of stuff while your date count is still in the single digits. You do what you want, obviously, but unless you’re just looking to only have fun, you should probably know pretty soon whether or not this thing has the potential to ever develop into something more substantial. And in order to know that, you have to know about that person. You’re not going to know a person’s full history and heart and soul after a few dates, or even after a few months. It can take a lifetime to fully know that person. But I swear, if I hear another girl say, “I didn’t ask why he was in jail for three years or why his hands were so shaky or his phone kept ringing…but I slept with him”, I’m going to shit myself.****

Also, I don’t point this out because I’m being judgmental, or because these items are deal-breakers. Anyone that knows me personally knows that I’m the last person to write someone off, over pretty much anything. I’ve been told that I have a “high tolerance for bullshit” and that I’m everyone’s personal cheerleader. These were comments from people that love me. And you know what? They’re right. I tend to invest in the potential people have, and focus on their positive qualities, even when their negative qualities (of which I’m also aware) perhaps outweigh them. Maybe that’s why I wouldn’t have any problem talking to a suitor about any of this stuff. I’m not fact finding to “disqualify” you; I’m genuinely trying to learn about you and understand you. In fact, in addition to all of this, I’ll usually discuss thoughts about sexuality, sexual partners and STDs, and probably a host of other things I’m forgetting.

I know that not everyone appreciates this style of direct communication, and it won’t work for everyone. There’s rarely a one-size-fits-all solution to any problem. But, at least in my case, that’s how I communicate and if the person I was dating did not like it, then it’s probable that we wouldn’t get along as a couple anyway. And I’m not saying other approaches are less effective or that my way is best. This is just the type of approach that I use, and questions I’ve found that seem to me to show a lot about a person’s character and circumstances. Please feel free to disregard all you’ve read, if you see fit.






*No doubt a beautiful, precious, sent-from-God-Himself kind of mistake. Okay, “mistake” seems harsh, but I’m aware that “unplanned” pregnancies are quite common and what seemed to be a mistake at the time turned in to the greatest thing in your life! Your baby is beautiful and you are lucky, even if times were tough. I respect that. Please stop yelling at me.


**This should be a no-brainer if you’re on a date, but honestly, you never know. I’ve heard stories, and quite frankly, some people are shady. You shouldn’t date guys that aren’t single. It’s un-neighborly.


***While most of these are open for debate and compromise, this one isn’t. I’m sorry, but if you desperately want children and he’s adamantly against it, that’s a deal breaker. Nobody’s ever successfully “sort of” had children. You can’t go back and forth- you either have kids or you don’t. If you want to adopt but he wants his own, maybe there’s room for discussion. But there’s no middle ground between absolutely YES and absolutely NO for this issue.


****Okay, I haven’t heard this quote exactly. This is what’s known as an “exaggeration” on my part. But seriously, I’ve heard a lot of things that dumbfound me, and all I can do is look down or shake my head. Also, I don’t typically shit myself. Unless it’s a really crazy situation, like they didn’t put extra cheese on my pizza, even though I asked for it and they even repeated it back to me, or like if someone asks me to lower my voice while I’m at the library, or if someone says, “Excuse me?” all sarcastic-like when you ask them a question, even though you just know they heard you and are just being rude to make some sort of “point”. You’ve gotta stop that back talk early, or it just becomes problematic.

An update on the midget crisis

Last night my boyfriend and I were discussing the difference between midgets and dwarves. It's his contention that there is no difference...with the glaring exception that dwarves have magical powers. This may be due to the fact that he just purchased "Willow", and bless his heart, the dwarves *did* have magical powers in the movie. But the only ones with magical powers were the sorcerer and sorcerer's apprentice dwarves. So I think he's only 1/3 correct, if my math serves me correctly.

And can we talk about "Willow" for a minute, here? This fellow has a heart of gold, no doubt, but has anyone noticed how big his hands are?* I thought maybe I mistakenly overestimated how gargantuan his hands were, but nay. I paid close attention to all of the other little peoples' hands, and they were tiny, much as you may expect tiny peoples' hands to be. Willow's hands are huge. I can only assume this is advantageous for him and boosts his super-power strength and agility. It certainly helped when he had to perilously grasp at the horse reigns in that one scene, that if you've seen the movie, you would know to what I was referring. Did that last sentence make sense? Probably not. All I'm saying is, if I had to trek through middle earth on a long day, I'd want Mr. Willow on my team.


*I have no room to talk about large hands, I'm aware. But my large hands are at least proportional to my body. They, too, boost my super-human strength and agility. They were also directly responsible for me winning a sponge-squeezing contest in 5th grade. They don't just give those trophies away, you know.  Booyah.

Ghosts: Not Just a Metaphor

One night I awakened to find a man at the end of my bed, looking down at me. I had half a heart attack, and accidentally elbowed my sleeping boyfriend in the face while I was trying to sit up. It turns out there was nothing there. It’s not the first time I think I’ve seen someone (uninvited, mind you) in my apartment. It’s always happened at night, though sometimes it’s a man and sometimes it’s a woman. I’m always awakened by something and see them, but they vanish or go away almost immediately. I guess in all fairness, the people I’m seeing have never really done anything, so maybe I shouldn’t be too concerned. And I’m one of those people that always looks for a logical explanation, so I do think it’s quite possible I’m deliriously tired and hallucinating. Even so, I’m not taking any chances, so I blessed the shit out of my place with some holy water. This is in addition to the crucifix I have hanging above my front door, and the fact that I half believe that you have to invite demons into your home in order for them to enter. I think I heard that last part on an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer or something. So at this point my beliefs about ghosts and spirits are a mixture of skepticism, religion, and cheesy 90’s sitcom admonitions. In any case, this doesn’t weigh too heavily on me on a day-to-day basis. However, yesterday my boyfriend told me a little secret. He said that one day, when he’d been at my place while I was at work, he was sleeping and awoke to see the man I’d described from a previous encounter. He said the man was in the same place as when I’d seen him, peering down at where I would have been. After several “Are you serious?” pleadings from me, he assured me he wasn’t joking and wasn’t just trying to scare me. So I guess we have ghosts. Fantastic.

The gang solves the midget crisis.

There’s a midget that lives in my apartment complex.* I saw him, as I was returning from my walk-jog, which was actually more of “just a walk” if we’re going to be technical about it, you nit-picking asshole. He had parked his car and was carrying a pack of about 30 water bottles. I thought he must be pretty strong because I’m full grown and that’s pretty heavy for me. His legs looked like they may snap, but you know what? They didn’t. Then I thought that the stairs must be awfully hard to maneuver because they’re a bit steep, but that was a silly thought because he obviously lives on the first floor. Then I thought about what kind of furniture he has. I wonder if they make midget-furniture? Because there’s clearly no need for full-size furniture, unless he’s dating or married to a full-grown, or entertains full-growns a lot. I mean, we probably don’t give a second thought to it, but if I were two feet shorter, my couch would feel massive. Like on those old Gallagher comedy sessions, where he’d have a giant chair he’d sit on, before he started smashing watermelons.** And in what kind of bed does he sleep? My double-sized bed feels a wee bit snug on many occasions, but if I had no legs, I probably wouldn’t notice. In fact, I’d probably think my room was modeled inefficiently because I had such a large piece of furniture that was used so little, yet was taking up so much space. I guess if he rotates the bed, front to back, and side to side, then that’s probably not such a waste. But wouldn’t that be tricky for him? It’s tricky for me to flip the mattress. I’m just saying. These thoughts floated in my head for a good ten minutes, then periodically throughout the rest of the day. I’ve been very tempted to look into his car to see how the pedals are rigged. But I haven’t yet, because I am both a scholar and a gentlewoman. Also, I’d be afraid he’d see me and get mad and give chase. Or he’d think I was going to break into his car, or was harassing him, and those might make him feel bad, and that’s not what I’m trying to accomplish. If anything, I’m trying to increase my knowledge about and sensitivity towards the plight of the midget. I probably deserve some kind of commendation. I’m not saying I deserve the Nobel prize, but an honorary degree from Columbia would be nice for the old mantel. I’d put it right next to the picture of my family, the Valentine’s Day card from my boyfriend, and that white ceramic peach I bought at that garage sale.


* He may be a dwarf. I’m not really sure how that works.


** Classic fragment. But I made up for it in the next sentence, where I prominently displayed my awareness that sentences are not to be ended in a preposition. Except for the last sentence just now, where I actually ended with the word “preposition” which was a bit ironic. And now we’re back to bad grammar. This exposition has been a colossal waste of time.

Still not melting popsicles.

Day 10,000 of the Battle of the Bulging Thigh: not stellar. Still skimming perilously high numbers on the scale.

Recent accomplishments: Kept a food-journal for a half day. Had a sixty year old man honk at me while I was out walking.

Recent setbacks: Had ice cream yesterday. Twice. Well, once was frozen yogurt, if we must be technical about it.

Prognosis: Far from goal of looking like Eva Mendes. Will need to adopt a more dedicated healthful food and exercise regiment and may need race-transplant surgery. Will also need to inquire about where to purchase some nude Christian Louboutin pumps within my budget, so somewhere in the neighborhood of under $20.00.

Mood: Cautiously optimistic. Will plan on following through on walk-jog plans for later. So, I’m planning to execute a plan to sort-of exercise. Feeling prett-y good about this.

You're welcome.

On a whim, I've decided to start a blog.  Further updates as events warrant.