I'm but a few short weeks in to my new job, and I already have an occasional-nemesis in the office. This was a difficult revelation to accept, as those that know me will vouch, I am a team player and get along with just about everyone and dislike very few. Enter Occasional-Nemesis (O.N.), stage left. Sometimes she is nice and helpful, other times she's aggressive and condescending. Sometimes she seems to get defensive about truly strange things. The other day, for instance, we had a "working lunch"* and she brought the food to me. The food was late and our meeting was over and I was told I was going to have to eat in the car**. There were no napkins in the bag, and no paper towels in the "kitchen".
AF: "Hi, Occasional Nemesis! Did the restaurant happen to give you any napkins?"
ON: "Yes, they're in the bag. I saw them." (said in a defensive, I-did-my-job-right-this-isn't-my-problem way)
AF: "Oh, okay. I didn't see any in there."
ON: "Well, then maybe they didn't give us any." (said in a You-are-wasting-my-time voice)
AF: "Okay."
Now, either of her responses would have been acceptable and fine, except for the fact that she used both and they are totally contradictory. You can't have seen something that was never there, correct? And why am I being treated like an asshole for asking about napkins? If you had a pesto chicken sandwich you were going to eat in the car, you'd probably want a napkin, too. The whole wipe-your-hands-on-your-pants thing wasn't even an option, as I was going to be representing the company somewhere, and had to return to work, as well. Believe me, I thought about it.
Another example, you say? Yesterday, I ordered my own lunch from the downstairs restaurant, and at a separate, later time, ON ordered and picked up food for the Big Boss. I ate my food, at my desk, at least an hour before the Big Boss (BB) was done with his meeting. It turns out that his order was not correct. So, a logical assumption would be that the restaurant had accidentally handed her the wrong order, or wrote down his order incorrectly, in the first place. Occasional-Nemesis proceeds to ask me if I ate the wrong food. Because most people will eat whatever is in the bag, I guess. "It's a gamble, what ends up in the bag, ya hear? Ya eats what ya gets in this part o' town!"- Cowboy style. Or maybe it's an intimidation thing. "Your order is wrong? You don't even wanna mess with the Beverly Hills Cafe, yo. Betta pack yo nine, beeyotch!"- Gangsta style. In order to get the wrong order, I would have had to A) Tell a wrong name when I picked up my phone-order, B) Get my food and wait until later on when ON got BB's food, and then switched bags...real stealth-like, or C) Just been in such reverie that I had food that I did not notice I was eating something entirely different than what I ordered. I'm concerned she either thinks I'm stupid or crazy or THE most laid back person in the world, totally content to take anything that comes my way, with no complaints. None of these descriptions are entirely accurate.
I know these are petty examples, but this type of thing happens quite regularly. It's like we don't understand one another, at all. It's not all bad, though. Today, to my delight, she used the expression, "That's like farting with your pants on." Which is pretty much exactly what it's like. Whatever "it" is.
*Lunch is a truly sacred time for me. This is the time where I get the hell away from everyone I work with and relax, and forget that I'm cooped up in a building for at least eight hours a day. If I don't leave, I feel like a ticking time-bomb, living on a prayer that I don't explode and start running around the office, shoving everything off of peoples' desks all while screaming, "None of this is real!! What are we doooooooiiinnngggg??", out-running co-workers towards the Xerox machine, where I'll photocopy my bare ass and pin the masterpiece to the wall, and only respond to questions with "Fart you very much."
**I wasn't actually told to eat in the car, but the options were either that or not eat lunch that day at all. (insert incredulous, you-must-be-joking scoff here) I don't skip meals. This is America.
